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Jokes and Funny Items-Just For You:
THE COMPUTER PROGRAMMER
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
BILL MEETS SATAN
Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.
He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”
“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.
“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”
“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t!”
“What about the PC?”
“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys,”
“Which three?”
“Control, Alt and Delete.”
MICROSOFT BUYS A LITTLE TIME
In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1998. 1998 will be replaced instead by “Year-M” to be followed by actual 1998. “Windows 98 was not going to ship on schedule,” Gates said. “But we couldn’t change the name again… people were starting to get confused.
So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1998. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the new 1998.” Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.
The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to “Bill Gates.” A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of “Year-M.”
Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God. In a counter suit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up into “deity conglomerates.”
“Gosh,” said Gates. “They broke up AT&T… why can’t we break up God?”
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn’t mind rainy climates, doesn’t need any money, isn’t married, and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.
“If we could just get some employees like that,” Gates lamented, “we would be able to ship Windows 98 on time.
WINDOWS XP ERROR MESSAGES
New error messages currently under consideration for the new Windows XP operating system…
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1 |
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. |
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2 |
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. |
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3 |
BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding. |
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4 |
Close your eyes and press escape three times. |
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5 |
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) |
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6 |
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. |
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7 |
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. |
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8 |
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. |
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9 |
Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)” |
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10 |
Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)” |
A QUICK SPELLING TEST
The teacher told her class the word of the day was “dictate” and asked who could spell it.
George raised his hand and he spelled out, “d-i-k-t-a-t-e.”
The teacher said, “sorry that’s wrong” Then she asked Stephen.
Stephen slowly spelled out, “d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e.”
“Sorry” says the teacher, “that’s not right either.”
Next, she asked Fiona After a slight pause Fiona began spelling, “d-i-c-t-a-t-e.”
“Very good Fiona,” applauded the teacher, “that’s correct. Now,” the teacher continued, “who can use this word in a sentence?”
Stephen raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, “I know-Iknow,”
“OK” replied the teacher, “please use the word Stephen.”
Stephen responded, “How did my dictate last night, Fiona?”
FUN! FUN! FUN!
A teacher said to her little student Suzy, “Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry.”
Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, “Let’s see… Fun period … fun period … fun no period … worry worry worry!”
A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING
In a primary school classroom, the teacher notices a little puddle underneath Mary’s chair.
“Oh Mary!” says the teacher, “you should have put your hand up.”
“I did,” Mary replied. “But it still trickled through my fingers.”
ANY IDIOTS IN THE ROOM?
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic lecturer.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the lecturer with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
THE ATTRACTIVE UNDER GRADUATE
One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor’s office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee “accidentally”, etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, “Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest.”
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, “Anything?”
To which the undergradute cooed, “Yes, anything you say.”
After some brief reflection, the professor asked, “What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?”
The student lied, “Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.”
The professor then advised, “Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that.”
THE YOUNG BUSINESS MAN
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
NEW SECRETARY
Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: “Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”
Two days later. George to John: “Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!
APPLIED MATHEMATICS
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re just sitting there reading jokes all day!
AT JOB INTERVIEW
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
“I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a second”
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says “We don’t approve of womanizing!”
The guy says “Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while you’re winking?”
A DROP IN SALARY PERHAPS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
SILLY LITTLE PLAYS ON WORDS
Q: What should you give an elf who wants to be taller?
A: Elf raising flour.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barman looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
“Tiny” replies the man.
“Why’s that?” asks the bartender.
“Because he’s my newt!”
Q: What carries round a sack and bites people?
A: Santa Jaws
A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land. Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.
All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, “What’s this flier doing in my soup?”
Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?
A: Seasoned troopers.
Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea. “What’s this?” asked the first fisherman, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”
“No,” explained the second fisherman, “It’s just a little wave.”
Q: What’s an Eskimo’s favorite song?
A: Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!
Q: Where does Tarzan buy his clothes?
A: At a Jungle Sale!
First Man: I bet I can make you speak like a Red Indian?
Second Man: How?
First Man: Told you I could.
Q: Why is perfume so obedient?
A: Because it’s scent everywhere it goes.
ALL CREATURES GREAT & SMALL
Q: What kind of cats love the water?
A: Octo-Pussies.
Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx.
Q: What’s a porcupine’s favorite food?
A: Prickled onions.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A: A zebra with a drumkit.
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell garage.
Q: What were the only creatures not to go into the Ark in pairs?
A: The Maggots, they went in an apple.
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chickens day off.
Q: What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
A: Hot cross bunnies.
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment!
WORLD’S GREATEST IDIOTS
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
A: Give him a piece of paper with “Please turn over” written on both sides.
An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he’s back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, “I think I know where I’m going wrong” he tells the dealer,
“I think I’m planting them too deep.”
Q: How do you confuse an idiot?
A: Give him two spades and tell him to take his pick.
Did you here about the idiot who won the ‘Tour De France’?
He did a lap of Honour!
Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer?
He fell in the sink!
A MAN MEETS A GENIE
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”
THE VOICE
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
OLD WOMAN WHO HAS A BABY
With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, “Not yet.”
A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, “Not yet.”
Finally they say, “When can we see the baby?”
And the mother says, “When the baby cries.”
So they ask, “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”
The new mother says, “I forgot where I put it.”
ON HONEYMOON
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term “doing the laundry” to use in place of “having sex.”
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They “did the laundry” 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, “Can we do the laundry again?” but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn’t do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn’t unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and “do the laundry” with him again.
She gently shook him and said, “Honey, I’m sorry I denied you… We can do the laundry again if you want,”
He replied, “That’s ok… It was a small load… I did it by hand.”
TEN YEARS WITHOUT PAROLE
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o’clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.
His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, “You good-for-nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago.”
BUSH:
One day a man went to a dealer to buy a car. He bought Chevy corvette crossfire for $29,000. When the man was getting back home he tried to start the radio. But it didn’t work. So he get back to the dealer and got busted for that. Then the dealer said the radio is auto tunned. Whatever channel u want just give the computer a clue and it will fix that for u. So the man tried it by sayin band. Radio went to a channel where James was singing. Then he switched it to adhunik. On the way a car suddenly cut him off from the back. He said, “Stupid”. The radio turned to another channel where J. W. Bush was giving his speech.
SMART BOY!
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her
students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I’m smarter than she is. I think I should be in the
third-grade too.
The teacher took the boy to the principal’s office. While the Boy waited
in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.
The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed
to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave. She agreed.
The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy: 9
Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy: 36
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know. “I think the boy can go to the third-grade” ,
said the principal. The teacher said she had some of her own questions to
ask. The principal and the boy agreed.
Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.
Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.
Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut.
Teacher : What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal’s eyes openned really wide and before he could stop the
answer, the boy was already answering.
Boy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs? The principal’s eyes openned really wide and
before he could stop the answer…
Boy: Shake hands.
Teacher: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I
get wet before you do.
Boy:Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The
best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit
tense and took one large vodka peg…..
Boy: Wedding Ring.
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good .
Boy: Nose
Teacher: I am a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of
heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck.
Teacher: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ and if u dont get it
u have to use your hand?
Boy: Fork.
Teacher : What is it that all men have one. It is longer for some men than
for others. The pope doesn’t use his. Normally a man gives it to his wife
after they’re married?
Boy: SURNAME.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send
this Boy to the University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself !”
